Windmills

Windmills. In early December, I crafted a plan to remind myself that I am God's Beloved. I noticed an abundance of windmills in my hometown, so i decided that everytime I saw a windmill, i would stop to remember God's love towards me. I did this for two months, and it was quite boring and redundant. God loves me. Very nice. Something told me to continue anyway as long as i was in the U.S., since there aren't exactly windmills in the Middle East.

Flashforward to Tuesday and to the Middle East. I awoke hopeful. Yet as the morning stretched, my determined positive attitude was overtaken by the realization that I am nothing more than a one year old child- dependent on everyone. Losing against my willpower, i cried in Arabic class after multiple tries and being unable to read aloud the board in front of everyone. The tears continued when I couldn't order a sandwich at lunch, and then again when i went to work with my 3 American, brilliant, male co-workers who are part of my team for developing a business program for college students. They have degrees in business, and the only thing I have to contribute to our work is perhaps free on-the-side counseling. :) I suppose I could bake brownies for our meetings. Anyway, I decided to try to develop a friendship with the business prodigies in between business discussions (since they also happen to be my Arabic classmates), but they seemed more interested in debating the Red Sox and flirting with our beautiful and mysterious Arabic instructor than be-friending the "therapist who cried in class." On the way home, the mixture of cold and rain did not make the wait for a taxi pleasant. Two years of this language and working in a business?? How did I get here? With frustration and a flare of drama, I asked God for evidence that He wanted me here and that He was involved and had a purpose for me here. Seconds later, I set down my laptop bag to rest and when I looked up... I saw a five-foot fake windmill outside of a restaurant! (See the picture)

I guess that means that I should stay. And that God loves me enough to make a windmill in the Middle East. I wonder how many times does God try to show me His love and faithfulness, but i think i don't need it? The sudden desperation for His love opened me up to tasting it.